2/18
Hey, it’s me.
The same old, boring as fuck Sarah.
It’s funny, how everything in my life is so basic and so weird and unusual at the same time. I had wanted to stay away from social media, but now that I finally got insta (and that too to check up on other normal & school news) it feels like all the feelings are catching up to me
I was very happy this week. Yesterday, I couldn’t stop smiling like an idiot for doing just one test good when I had bombed all the other tests. I don’t know what I’m thinking of my future anymore. Ha. Columbia uni? NYC? becoming rich along the way.
Im craving for a normal Desi-American, teenage life. teenage dream. going to parties. fitting in with a local desi community. it feels like I have missed out on so much. so many friends, events, parties, TikTok moments, enjoyments. Suddenly it feels like even though I have everything that someone needs on a basic level and even much more, I feel incomplete like I am missing a part of who I am or what I want to be. I know that I want to help others, to become famous and successful, to interact with other people and travel the world, all the while, trying to find who I am: what’s my purpose in life. I feel depressed all of a sudden and this ‘heyit’sbridge’ spotify playlist isn’t not helping but idk is i guess intensifying everything.
I think maybe this is the time that im meant to read ‘the alchemist’ as Akka said. when im confused about my future and what im born to become because I truly believe in destiny now that I think about it. I don’t think of it as just god or just nature. I feel like everything’s intertwined like everything fits together perfectly and harmoniously, and that I’m just a small tiny particle of all of it all. then why should I care? because I want to do my part. it feels like im happy for everything and I want to be able to control my emotions. I want everything to be perfect. im afraid of change, im afraid of commitment. but im also all the more afraid of being by myself, all alone. I think that’s why im craving for any attention at all and falling in ‘love’ with everyone I see. heck, I started liking a guy that I didn’t even meet or know his name. it feels like I just want everything to be perfect. I feel like I might sabotage my future or my perception of the future because im missing out on so many things that it’s easier to pretend to ‘keep my head low’ and ‘be a workaholic’ so I can make this up in the future if I work hard enough. and I feel like im starting to understand that it doesn’t really make sense. all of this while feeling that I am just confusing myself even more. I don’t know what to feel, to be honest. I don’t even know if I want to ask for help. I mean will anyone even be there for me to reach out to?
Am I constantly worried about school and getting good grades because I didn’t create a life for me outside that little bubble? what about when I grow up? what will I do then? will I ever grow up? maybe these are all just teenage emotions, but I wanna be invited to cringy parties. I wanna kiss a boy for the first time. I want my own group of friends that don’t judge me and genuinely want to be around me. I feel like maybe money might not be everything. I know it might seem like, well no duh bish, but it’s really a big thing to wrap your head around. I feel like:
I feel like running out to the middle of the road and having it being yellow and gold and neon lights everywhere. I feel like wearing a short dress and having my hair out with it having dark pink streaks on the bottom. I feel like screaming loud enough that the universe pauses and listens to me. So that it listens to only me and what I have to say. I’d say: “UNIVERSE, I LOVE YOU, BUT IM WONDERING, WHY WAS I BORN, WHY WAS I CHOSEN, WHY AM I GOING THROUGH ALL THESE THINGS? WHO AM I?” and then I would run downhill in the downtown area as the lights blur past, where I would be just by myself, looking at the newlywed couples, the parents holding their toddler’s hand while crossing the street, the teenage couples hold hands, the girls with their own clique being all bubbly, seeing an older couple linking arms. And i'd think to myself what a wonderful world. I’d be smiling while tears drip down in such an overwhelming emotion. Then I’d wrap my arms around myself, acknowledging that I’m all alone, and loving myself for everything I am.
God, I’m crying right now. I have so many emotions and, damn, it’s just all there.
